I am not!

I am not!

Why is it so difficult for me to understand?
Something so clear and simple
There is nothing I can do
No reason for me to complain
Not a single word to say
Any action to take
Why do I keep making it so hard for me?
Bringing misery upon myself
With every unreasonable thing I do
When I know what the result is going to be
And despite that I go on and do it
While I can’t even shed a lonely tear
To try and make me look like the only pathetic loser
Of my own damn silly choices
Why do I put myself in these dead-end situations?
Where the road was paved by me
To my very own private hell
Of accompanied solitude
As I turn those pages of my life
All I can see is black
A void space in my soul
That I try to fill up
And as I accumulate material stuff
My soul recedes into the dark
Lingering just enough to remind me
Of what I am supposed to be
But I can’t anymore
Why must it be that way?
All I did was play by the rules
I did everything I was asked
And I did it flawlessly
Not lying or pretending or deceiving
And as a rewarding gift
That was all I got
Wrapped in a pretty rosy package
Why am I so simple-minded
That I can only think of the only thing I know I shouldn't?
The words I keep to myself make me suffer
And the ones I’ve already said
Can't make me let it go
When my skin is cold at night
And it’s loving that I need
My body and my mind fight over my sanity
I become a walking contradiction
That even my doppelganger can’t stand
And runs away from me
While the pain takes over my being
Why does it hurt so badly?
When I decided I wouldn’t let it happen
And I feel so alone here
It was supposed to be so simple
An easy matter to understand
Because all I need to know
Is best described in three words
That I need to scream out loud
To make them sink in deep into my soul
So that I can finally believe that
I am not!